Cranky
Discipline has always been a cruel word. I always think of it as beating my lazy part into submission, and that never works.
I don’t need Natalie today. Where normally I would wait and savour every word, eager for the space her writing brings me; today I feel a sense of restriction. I read the words really quickly and instead of the sensation of clarity I feel myself shuddering - mentally pushing her away. In my mind she is a sleepless mosquito buzzing relentlessly in my ear drum.
It’s odd because usually I admire discipline. I love to write lists that carefully allocate my time (on paper) to exercise; study; making phone calls to my family; writing my address on the back of an envelope; ironing tea towels; drinking 2 litres of water; not smoking on a weeknight;not drinking on a weeknight; doing all the yoga poses, not just the comfortable ones;having a savings account; refusing a credit card increase; not buying one single article of clothing for more than 3 months; not eating chocolate; not drinking coffee; not being moody; not skipping lectures;not being a bitch;thinking about the future.
So many ‘nots’.
But today, just the idea of it- the mere mention of the word, just annoys me.
Tomorrow morning I am going to resign from my job. I’ve been there for two years. (we’ve had a recent management change and I’ve been offered a part-time opportunity somewhere else) (somewhere better).
Better because it’s my future - or, is it more truthful to say, better because i hope damn well that it will be my future.
So, I’m taking a risk. I am being ‘brave’ or is it stupid. I am giving away security to follow my dream. I am backing out of conflict. I am walking away. I am saying no to the crap and yes to the crap I don’t know so well.
I have had nothing but this conversation (or versions of it) in my head for the last four days and every now and then it just stops. and a strong voice seems to cut through all the chatter and ask: is this the right choice?
Thinking about discipline and reading that quote makes the decision seem reckless. No, quite simply it makes me feel undisciplined. And I’m not. I’m just charging through on a decision.
3 years ago • Notes